Through all the long years since I first learned to knit there has never been a time when I didn’t have something on the needles. For almost twenty years knitting has been my constant companion; the first thing I pick up each morning, after I put the kettle on, and the last thing I put down at night. Even when I’m busy during the day, I always make time to knit. Waiting rooms, road and rail trips, every opportunity to sit quietly becomes a welcome opportunity to pull out yarn and needles. I have a hard time imagining leaving the house without knitting in my bag. Lately, however, I’ve had many opportunities to practice doing just that.
It’s been six days since I last knit anything; I can’t begin to count the many ways that I am missing it.
The reason I’m wandering in the wilderness of the non-knitting world is that knitting hurts. I’ve had a shoulder problem for over two years now that is exacerbated by any repetitive motion. Despite employing a variety of different treatments and strategies over the years, the range of motion in my right shoulder is about half what it should be. To illustrate: raise one of your arms right now – yes, now – and bring the inside of your elbow up to your ear. I can’t do that. I can’t manage to raise my arm beyond 45 degrees on the right side. (If I were a Nazi, I’d probably be in really big trouble.) Sitting at the computer for too long is bad, but nothing makes me hurt as much as knitting.
Though I’ve been aware for many months that knitting, specifically, causes me pain, I couldn’t hope to entertain the obvious solution until I’d moved through Elisabeth Kubler-Ross‘ Five stages of (Knitting) Grief. I’ve knit my way through:
1. Denial – This is isn’t happening. Pass the ibuprofen.
2. Anger – Pass the fucking ibuprofen.
3. Bargaining – Just two inches, I swear. No more. Seriously, pass the ibuprofen.
4. Depression – There is no point to a life without knitting. Pass the hemlock. And also the ibuprofen.
5. Acceptance?
This week I decided to put down my needles for as long as it takes my shoulder to heal. I’m still working on Acceptance.
I don’t think that knitting is the cause of pain my shoulder, but I am positive that knitting is one of the things standing between me and being well. Stumbling my way towards the final stage of Knitting Grief has forced me to admit that the many benefits I’ve received from a regimen of acupuncture and gentle exercise, have been entirely undone by my stubborn refusal to give up knitting, and my childish reliance on ibuprofen to mask the pain. That stubborn, childish behavior caught up with me earlier this month, when I awoke in the wee hours with the worst abdominal pain I’ve ever experienced. Worse than childbirth. Worse, even, than the pain after gall bladder surgery, because I was awake to experience it, and not groggy from anesthesia.
The nice EMT’s said I was among the 2% of patients they see whom they believe actually needs pain medication, so they gave me some and took me to the hospital. There the nice emergency doctor poked around and asked a bunch of questions and she suggested that, of four possible scenarios, a problem with the lining of my stomach was the likeliest cause of my pain. We talked about “corrosives”, of which ibuprofen is apparently a biggie. Drugs will help repair the damage to my stomach, and I will be fine, but it’s really gotta be the end of popping ibuprofen like Tic-Tacs.
Without ibuprofen my shoulder is unbelievably painful; the kind of painful that wakes you in the middle of the night, to remind you it will still be there for you in the morning. It’s even worse after knitting, so there will be no knitting, of any kind, from now until my shoulder is pain free. It’s been six days since I last knit anything (did I mention that?); I cannot begin to count the number of ways in which I miss it.
January was a blur of health issues, which ought to go some way towards explaining my silence over the past month. What’s even worse is that it must continue. Editing audio requires a very specific set of repetitive motions on the computer, and is also beyond my physical capacity. Truthfully though, even if I felt better, even if editing audio didn’t hurt almost as much as knitting, I’m not sure I could muster up the mojo for a podcast, nor would the podcast I’d create right now be much fun to listen to. Both knitting, and Cast On are unexpectedly on hiatus, until my shoulder heals.
We’ve all heard stories of people who knit once, but don’t anymore, and I know you’ve probably wondered, just as I have, how in the hell they did it. Did they wean themselves off it, or go Cold Turkey? Did they miss it as much as I do? I’m sure I don’t know.
I am also sure that there is a silver lining, a ray of sunshine, or some kind of bright side to all of this. There must be. When I reach Acceptance, I’ll let you know what it is.
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Dear Brenda,
I recognize myself in your description of your shoulder pain. Even before reading your post I’d realized I needed to cut back on my knitting, but I haven’t been able to go cold turkey yet. I’ll be working on acceptance. Your readers’ comments have been helpful.
Another note about all that ibuprofen: your stomach’s rebellion may have saved your kidneys. A friend used it to mask chronic back pain due to an injury and is now in line for a kidney transplant. It’s easy to forget that just because a medication is available over the counter, that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t need to used with care and respect.
OH Brenda wish for a quick recovery..I hope that you are feeling better soon.
Hi Brenda!
I’ve been listening to your podcast for awhile now and I L-O-V-E it! I’m so sorry to hear you won’t be able to knit or podcast for awhile. I’m sending positive vibes from Texas and I hope you start to feel some relief!
I feel like I can relate to you a little bit. I actually won’t be knitting for awhile either, although mine is by choice. I am an obsessive knitter and I decided to give up knitting for Lent. I’m not a particularly religious person, but I just feel like it’s something I have to do. I spend SO much time knitting, I’m curious to see what I will do with myself when knitting is not an option. I have today and tomorrow and then the sacrifice begins! I’ll be thinking about you too on your knitting hiatus!
- Jennie
Hi Brenda:)
I love your podcast, your voice is amazing and you are so articulate, creative, and funny. I was wondering if you could switch to continental style knitting? I have a bad right shoulder too, and making the switch helped me immensely.
I miss your voice! I will go and listen to some of your older podcasts and while I am doing that I will send good vibes your way for a full recovery so that you can have your knitting back, and we can have you back. Take care and don’t be tempted to pick up those needles too soon.
Brenda!
My Mom had to do the same thing. She FINALLY went to see a surgeon, had surgery and physical therapy and now has full range of motion back!!! It is the “gardener’s” version of a baseball injury for her, and since it was something that happened slowly over time, and not while pitching in Prime Time, it took a long time to finally discover. They just made three little incisions and fixed her up! Maybe this is what yours is, too? I hope so, as it was really exciting for her to get back to knitting!
Hi Brenda, I so recognize your description. A few years ago I had to put down my knitting for exactly the same reason. I was in such pain! It was a combination of Christmas knitting and long hours behind a computer that did me in. I stopped knitting for 4 months. Even today, years later, I have to mouse with my left hand only. If I use a mouse in my right hand for even an hour I can feel the pain coming back. I went to physical therapy (several kinds) and in the end the answer was just, simply, REST those muscles. The good news is that I’m back to knitting (a lot). I do have to pay close attention to my back and STOP using those muscles for a while if I feel even the slightest pain again. You WILL get through this. Patience is hard, but it’s what you need the most. Hugs and hugs, Alex
Hi Brenda,sorry to hear you are continuing to have problems with your shoulder. My husband is suffering with his right shoulder, unable to sleep most nights the night through as the pain wakes him. They strap his shoulder now and again which helps, but he can’t do this all the time otherwise it pushes the problem somewhere else. The painkillers they give him, leave him feeling in a fog the next day. He has been told he needs to do micro exercises as its the tiny muscles? that are damaged and need repair!
The fact that you were woken with the abdominal pains might have been a Godsend, although it may not have felt it at the time. My son in law used to take painkillers all the time, (we didn’t know) for migraines, he has now been unable to work for almost two years and is on the list for a kidney transplant.
Stay well, and try to find things you can do that won’t cause you pain, maybe write a book on the funnier side of knitting, you could dictate the book, rather than having to “write” it. I think your memoirs would be funny to read, and I mean that in the nicest possible way! Beverley
Your voice will be missed but you should rest and take time to heal. I had trouble with my elbow years ago from doing too much knitting in a short period of time. It took me a year to get better, you don’t want to be in that situation. Stay well.
Brenda,
I sincerely hope that time brings you healing – physical, mental, spiritual – and that at some point you are able to return to the needles and the microphone. If it does not, however, I know that you are a strong woman who will power onward and find a new way to fulfill the need that knitting and podcasting will leave open.
Blessings and hope for you, knitsib.
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Pain sucks.
Maybe you could weave? Paint? Cut pictures out of magazines and make collages?
Or maybe you could use this time to read some really engrossing novels?
I hope you feel better soon!
Dear Brenda,
through listening to your podcast I feel as though we are old friends. We share a huge love for knitting and I also feel so connected to you because I am a Europian (German) living in the USA, also for love – therefore I know exactly what you’re talking about missing your home country but then again feeling so at home where you are.
I’m glad to read this update on how it’s going and believe me, I can feel your pain. Both physically and emotionally (because of having to stay away from your great passion, knitting).
Please have an abundance of fresh fruits and vegetables, as well as loads of greens during your time of healing, my dear friend!
That will help your body heal even faster!
All the best to you!
Agnes
I’m so sorry you have to give up something you enjoy. I’ll miss the podcast.
Thanks for the ibuprophen warning. I needed it.
Brenda, I also can not handle ibuprofen because of stomach pain. My story there is not as dramatic as yours but has the same result.
I teach and sing professionally. I had to not make a sound with my voice for 31 days, about 15 years ago. Doctor’s orders, total silence. Talk about grief! Silence makes you invisible. I am far too familiar with loss and grief, and that was the worst one for outright depression… valid grief but deep and personal.
Love your podcast, but there are some old ones I’ve missed and I’ll go back for those. Also, I could re-listen to a good number forever, I have favorites.
Meanwhile, nobody can take care of you, other than you. Good that you are at the point of willingness. Sorry that it took this much pain to do that for you.
Hugs over the pond. Do what you must do, and we’ll catch you when you feel able to touch base here again.
Sorry to hear about your shoulder pain! Sounds like you are enjoying the learning experience with watercolor. Hang in there!
Brenda,
Please do whatever you can to heal yourself. I hope that you get better and can get back to knitting and podcasting. If that does not happen for a while – I (and a lot of people I am sure) will wait. You are more than worth the wait.
I unfortunately know repetitive injury pain. I had thoracic outlet syndrome from data entry during the third year of college. I could not take notes (which during upper level course was not easy). When I would sign a credit card slip I would be in pain for hours. I have gotten better with the help of self awareness and physical therapy. The point is that I can do repetitive motions now (true I have to stop when my body tells me, and nothing helps like exercise) but this will pass. You will get through this.
Sending loving and (I hope) healing vibes from the states.
By the way – wow your simple watercolor from March 25th – awesome!
i just surfed into your website from googling gallbladder (i’m having mine out in 2 weeks). your letter cheered me up, as did the comments. i also lost range of motion in my shoulder and had a lot of pain. with physical therapy it came back almost completely.. it was diagnosed as adhesive capsulitis (frozen shoulder). i hope your hanging in there…
Dear Brenda,
Just catching up now–could it be that you have a “frozen shoulder”? (If you’ve figured it out from last post, don’t bother reading the rest.) This happened to me a couple of years ago; I could not raise my right arm above my ear. Putting on winter coats, lying on my right side, etc., hurt.
If so, you need physical therapy. It took me weeks of physical therapy to be able to bring my arm straight above my head. Now my shoulder is fine; I am knitting & typing without pain again.
A “frozen shoulder” occurs because you hurt your arm/shoulder somehow & avoid using it by “babying” it. The physical therapist & orthopedic doctor told me that stretching once a day–arms/shoulder rotating fully can prevent this from happening again. And it can happen again. My mom “froze” her shoulder twice. Imagine her pain; she’s a golfer.
I had very painful “frozen shoulder”, but weeks of physical therapy did not help. It turned out that the pain and severely reduced range of motion were caused by a very small bone spur in my shoulder. A quick operation (didn’t even have to stay in the hospital, it was done in a clinic in about an hour), and the pain was gone. A bit more physical therapy helped return my range of motion and now I barely can tell that anything was ever wrong with my shoulder. The bone spur did not show up on an x-ray, they had to do a more intensive scan to see it.
Ugh. I am going through a similar “can’t knit” episode with my forearms…tendonitis. It pretty much sucks. I have been doing all kinds of treatments…drugs, physical therapy, massage, chiropractic and … nothing. I finally had a blood injection (autologous blood injection) into the elbow. One to three treatments are supposed to be the cure.
As far as shoulders go, I listened to another podcaster who had a similar problem. She started doing the yoga cobra pose for 30-60 mins per day while she watched a TV episode. She said it cured her. Maybe a traction device could deliver the same results??
At any rate, this is frustrating and depressing. I raise my glass to toast to a fulfilling, pain free year for both of us.
Best wishes,
Ansley in Los Angeles, CA.
Brenda, you have my best wishes for recovering health. Don’t rush it. As much as I’d like to hear your voice again, I know what you mean by repetitive editing motions. As a technical writer, I get my share of keyboard / mouse repetitions, and the urge to pop some painkillers.
It is great that you are blogging!
Hi Brenda,
I do miss the podcasts.. I have been dealing with the death of my mother a month ago… and realised you hadn’t posted a cast in a while.. I do miss it.. but I do hope you get better…. I understand how health issues can slow you down.. Please get better soon. You are always an inspiration. Namaste.
Oh no! I’m so sorry, and all best wishes for a speedy and COMPLETE recovery.
Brenda–
I feel for you. I, too, have had shoulder issues and it bites.
Please try acupuncture, if you have not already. Not only will it help your shoulder, but also general pain management.
And I just caught up on the podcasts! I will miss listening.
Just was thinking about you today and came over to the blog. Poking around a bit I found this. I, too, have battled with shoulder problems. I won’t bore you with the details and I’m incredibly grateful that they are for the most part resolved, but I do understand what you are going through. It’s frustrating, depressing, infuriating, painful, etc., etc., etc. It’s also a reminder to be good to yourself, something I apparently need to be reminded of from time to time.
Getting through shoulder injuries takes time and patience, for you and those around you that have to deal with your reaction. (Yes, my family and friends should be sainted, frankly.) I wish you health and happiness as soon as possible and in the meantime send hugs to you and Tonya (sp?). You will survive and knitting will be there, or not if that’s what feels right, when you do. As a listener, I’ll be here no matter what you talk about, as long as it’s not brussel sprouts or giant furry spiders. (We all have our issues!)
Take care,
Steph
I came looking for you because I miss your podcast. So sorry to hear about your shoulder and stomach problems – ouch. Take care, put in the time needed to heal and get better!
I wrote to you a couple of months ago about yarn shopping near Swansea, don’t know if you recall. I’ll be there in 2 weeks and am so excited to see Wales. My cousin and his partner will be touring me around so I get to sit back and enjoy.
Best wishes,
Julie
Brenda, Just wanted to let you kow how much I miss your podcast. Totally understand! Have had shoulder surgery and surgery on both hands. Rest well and heal. Take care!
One day at a time. Just when you think this is as bad as it gets, you begin to heal. One day at a time. Always.
The best of health to you.
Hi Brenda
As a recent newcomer to your podcasts I just wanted to say how much I love them. Really sorry to hear that you are poorly and hope that you will recover very soon. I have had difficulties in my life in recent years and can so identify with the comfort and meditative healing that knitting brings. Through your podcasts you give me a sense of friendship and a commonality of thought that only us crazy knitters know about! Thank you. My very best wishes. Fiona
I might be late in suggesting, but have you tried massage therapy? From time to time trigger points develop in the shoulder (or muscles surrounding the shoulder) and do in fact contribute to frozen shoulder. Massage is a process, no quick fix, but a qualified therapist might be able to alleviate the pain you are experiencing, which could go a long way toward healing. I hope you find relief soon, and return.
Brenda,
I just recently found your podcast, and downloaded about a years worth. The first one I heard was the one with Kim Werrker (sp?) leaving her job because it wasn’t new anymore, and I thought “Oh, no, this Cast-on woman is about to give up!” You didn’t of course (I later realized that I had downloaded a year’s worth so you couldn’t have given up and I needn’t have worried, but I panic easily). I am still only on about March 2009 (you just tried to tap some birch trees), and I hate skipping ahead in pod-casts, because I lose the overall thread. I did however notice that none had downloaded after Jan 2010, and I panicked again “Oh, no, it’s another new year–she has really given up this time!” So, while I am, of course, incredibly sorry that you cannot knit and wish you a full and rapid-as-possible recovery, I am glad in my selfishness, that you haven’t simply decided you hate to pod-cast!
I say TRAVEL. Ask some nice young person to fetch your bag on and off the train and go visiting and just watch the world go by. Or maybe your fans could pay you to show them around Western Wales (if you still live there–again, I’m only in March 2009!).
Maybe by the time I catch up to real time, you will be feeling better. Or maybe by then you will come up with a new ways to play and a new plan entirely. Good luck!
Hi Brenda,
So sorry that you’re in so much pain. Believe me, I understand. A few years ago I severed my supraspinatas tendon,(the one that allows you to elevate your arm to the side). The tendon had been damaged for a long time, and I had had chronic and sometimes debilitating pain for years.
When the tendon actually severed, the docs had trouble diagnosing it because other muscles and tendons had long ago been recruited to help do supraspinatus’ work. After six months of PT and acupuncture I was no better. I finally coughed up the major cash for an MRI and the problem was clear. Major invasive carpentry was needed to reattach the tendon.
I don’t handle pain meds at all well, and the post-surgical pain was extreme, but a device called the Donjoy Iceman saw me through the ordeal. Maybe it could help with your pain, too.
The Iceman is a mini cooler into which you put ice and water. The chilled water is circulated, by means of a pump, through a flexible plastic pad that you strap to your shoulder. It is way more comfortable and tolerable than using ice (I used it for hours at a time), and it really helps to reduce inflamation. If you can get your hands on one, I wholeheartedly recommend trying it.
Take the time that you need to heal well and fully. I wish you the best.
Any updates on the healing process? Any idea if/when you’ll be back? I hope it won’t be the 3-yr hiatus that KnitCast took…pretty please?
The new site looks beautiful. Maybe it’s not that new and I just haven’t been for a visit in a while, but it really looks great.
If you’re still in search of an upside, maybe this is a chance to explore your water coloring painting more. Any chance of seeing some of those on your blog in the future?
I hope your body mends soon and you feel better, body and soul.
Reading your description of your shoulder pain reminds me of my father’s shoulder. He had bone spurs that the doctors were able to brake loose while he was put under. After that he was fine, never had the trouble again. Just a thought. Good luck with your shoulder.
I don’t really know you from a hill of beans, but through the magic of your podcast, I feel like we’re buddies! I’m so sorry you’re in pain, and that you can’t knit–that sux, bigtime!
Be strong, stay away from those beckoning pointy sticks. For every stitch you don’t knit, you heal a little more!!!
Love your podcast, you’re fabulous!
Thinking of you in Berkeley, CA.
Jonathan
Hi Brenda,
I have been hearing your podcasts for a couple of years even though I don’t knit much. I miss your wonderful voice and just love listening to you. My favorite podcasts are when you take us along on your walks or trips.
I was a fellow sufferer of sholder pain a while back and will never forget it. My problem was a frozen shoulder and couldn’t raise my arm more than a few inches from my side. My therapy was NOT FUN, but with exercise, and my therapists help I did recover. I hope you are getting the help you need so you can get back to doing all the things you want.
You are much loved,
Shirlee
Almost too hot to knit in Cave Creek, AZ
P.S. Your painting is super!!! Thanks for sharing it.
Brenda,
I miss your soothing voice and wonderful story-telling approach. I’d love a reminder of which podcast you used to tell the story of the extreme pain in your shoulder and the many proposed solutions you had been trying (I accidentally deleted it). Because of your story, I was able to recognize that the pain in my right shoulder must have been from knitting. So I forced myself to stop. For about 2 weeks. And that was enough. I also forced myself to learn to switch from English to Continental. That was terrific – until my left shoulder rebelled in the exact same way. So I stopped again – almost done with the yarmulkes promised for a wedding (they did get finished). Now I knit a few rows each day and force myself to stop. Sometimes I try to satisfy the need by reading about knitting. Not quite the same now, is it? Saturday I go to learn Portuguese knitting from Andrea Wong, hoping against hope that this will enable me to knit a little more, a little longer. Acceptance is hard to come by. Actually, the whole thing stinks!
As you can tell, we’re all missing you. Take care of yourself and your shoulder. I hope you find some long term solutions – and that you get to share them with the rest of us who are also searching for them! May you find complete healing.
I hate to tell you but I had exactly this shoulder problem and the exact excrutiating pain a couple of years ago and it lasted about 9months! I couldnt stand, sit, sleep etc and just cried and cried! It came with a nice case of pins and needles which fluctulated on and off down my left arm. Many many ibruprofen and pain killers later it did eventually go (now and again it rears its ugly head!). I did find a couple of things that did ease the pain. Firstly every time I sat or was able I kept my elbow on a parallel with my shoulder using cushions of pillows – elevated. Secondly when I was walking, I held my right shoulder with my left hand. I did find both of these things helped. Good luck..! Ps. Try getting heat bag to put on it to when you go to sleep – it helps!
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